Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Big, Stormy Rain Clouds

There were big stormy rain clouds in my apartment this morning. In the last 8 hours (who knew that so much could go down between the hours of midnight and this morning?), I managed to lose not one but TWO friends from my life. And they were for sad reasons, really. The first left my life over an argument about a very disrespectful image of a nearly-naked, tied-down woman that he felt compelled to display (and defend as art) on his website. He accused me of being close-minded and inhibited by sexual hangups. These, I suppose, prevented me from being able to "fully appreciate" the distasteful photograph, and why would an artistic, free-thinker like him want to be pestered by a Theology of the Body fan like me? And so ended a high school friendship holdover.

The second friend was lost in a battle of semantics, really. Words are such very powerful things. And misinterpretations of them can become more real than the original intention -- to the point where the misinterpretation most decidedly becomes the reality to deal with. I was offended (whether intended by him or not), informed him as calmly as I could, and--instead of attempting to work with me to recalibrate our communication--he threw out the friendship entirely. I should have seen it coming because he did it with us a few months ago, but at that time it went only into the trash and then somehow it resurrected with no explanation 2 months later. But this time he threw the whole kit and kabootle squarely into the dumpster, a sad ending to something I thought was beautiful. Unless something changes before trash collection day later this week, it looks like I just sustained yet another loss.

The aforementioned two have as predecessors Gwen, Karen, and Scott -- in that order. Gwen left my life suddenly in 11th grade, most likely because she had elevated in coolness and my social ratio had not. Karen departed promptly in 2006, for reasons that completely, still-to-this-day befuttle me. Scott did the same thing this time a year ago, but then promptly returned this past Christmas only to disappear again 3 months later. (He really knew how to get at me.)

So are these 5 the only people that have left my life? Of course not. But these kind of sudden disappearances have the following tell-tale markings. The disappearance is:

1. sudden;
2. with little to no substantial explanation for the ending;
3. or, if there IS an explanation for the disconnect, the reason is one which you would THINK could be resolved easily with a little chit-chat, but this resolution, sadly, does not happen.

Now I do understand the delicate art of a gradual friendship loss. Those are usually peaceful, untended partings of way. But this rash of sudden disappearances is quite dramatic and is driving me NUTS. It just doesn't align with who I am, how I want to regard others, and how I would like to be regarded in return.

But...bygones. Life is short, and so I choose to appreciate the friendships that I've had and look forward to the ones that are yet to come. And if one day Gwen, Karen, Scott, Fred, or Nate ever walks back in, they will always be welcome...because I hold memories, not grudges.

I'm heading out to Root's now with my friend Jesse to make the most of what's left of today and hopefully procure the cutest little white dove that my bid can buy. (Hopefully she won't fly the coop on me eventually, too.)