Dear Gentleman,As I write this letter to all of you, please know that I have the utmost respect for the gift that is your masculinity and the presence that is your manhood. We women need strong and loving providers and protectors like you in our lives.
My father is a perfect example of how loving and wonderful you all can be. I am eternally blessed for the great relationship I have with my earthly Dad and the wonderful one I have with my Heavenly Father.
Yet, every day, my heart aches -- and I know it is for one of you.
I desire to know your heart, your dreams, your fears. I want to hold your head on my lap when you are sad and joyfully leap into your arms when we are happy. I want to spend my whole life in service of God through you and and our children. I will lead you to holiness and follow you wherever you tread.
These are my desires and dreams. Yet, I also have fears, and these seem to unfortunately be mounting up.
I've been experiencing two strong, yet conflicting emotions lately. One is when I ache for you deeply, and it is this which leads me to sob profoundly, wondering if you are okay. The thought of you comes upon me when I least expect it, sometimes, like tonight when I was playing the piano and my hands rushed from the dry keys to my very wet eyes.
The other emotion I experience is when I resist you because of my own fears. I just canceled my date with one of you for Saturday because I do not have the heart to open in getting to know you.
I am afraid of investing in you, you whom my heart so ardently desires. I am afraid because every time I have tried to see you, I have been fooled into seeing someone else who is there but who is not you. Every time I have invested, he has walked off with some of our treasure.
I feel like a girl trapped in a hall of mirrors, wondering which image of you is true and which others are reflections, replicas, or look-alikes. I long to see my love reflected and multiplied in the eyes of the one who is meant for me.
This letter is an apology. It is an apology to you. I am sorry for the conflicting messages I send, but this is only because I am conflicted deep within my heart. ♥ I am just not dateable right now. :-(
