Thursday, April 01, 2010

The Bathroom Test

Truth be told:  Many of us girls give subtle "tests" to see if a man could qualify as a potential love interest.

Do not be upset, dear members of the male populous.  Indeed, you unconsciously do the same thing to us females.  There's probably a certain set of things you're attracted to...a certain set of traits you're looking for...and thus, you look for them.  There's nothing wrong with that, for the most part.

The tests I proctor in this regard are most unique.  I won't reveal all my secrets until I'm happily married, but for now I shall give you just one little thing I do.

This one is called the Bathroom Test.  No, it's not that silly We Aim to Please, You Aim Too, Please Test.  Nor am I checking to see if he remembers to put the seat back down.  Those are both givens.  He simply HAS to.  :)

Yes, this special test is entirely different.  And this test is not given until we've been on our second or third date because--by that time--he has been inside my house, has met my dog Macy, has seen my Prayer Room, and has, perhaps, hung out for such a duration of time that he now has to use the bathroom.

As I courteously point the way to the little room with the boy and girl on it (explaining that he ought not to panic if the door gets stuck, for I will merely be a shout away), I walk to the kitchen and begin to hope and pray that he passes the test.

Of course, it's possible that he won't see it anyway.  If he's nervous, he might skip over noticing it entirely.  So I immediately make plans to not fault him for saying nothing.

But if he DOES come out of my bathroom giggling, he gets an A.

If he comes out terribly concerned, he gets a B.

If he comes out making no comment, I give him the benefit of the doubt, assuming that he didn't see it.  This is like receiving an "I" on your report card for "incomplete."  No fault is given.

But if he uses the restroom on numerous occasions and NEVER mentions it, he either knows me so well that I absolutely bore him to death (D-) OR he finds my sense of humor to be as boring as he himself must surely be (F).

So what is the test, you ask?

It is a fake spilled bottle of red nail polish, laying down beside an upright bottle of real pink.  These sit subtly on my bathroom shelf, overlooking the porcelin seat, begging for assistance.

A good man would be so concerned for the well being of my bathroom shelf that he would instinctively and immediately attempt to right the spilled one.  In so doing, he would see that the whole thing lifts up, leaving a flawless surface, and thus he would laugh at my little prank as he exits the room.  He earns an A!!

A mediocre man would have concern for my bathroom shelf, but he would be too afraid to attempt any rescue on his own.

Instead, he would exit the bathroom with urgency, telling me that I ought to enter immediately and clean up the mess I created with my girlish desire to paint my nails.

I'd like to give him a C- for this, but since he could be thinking that his manly hands will not handle the peeling-off of the dried paint as delicately as a woman's hands might, perhaps I should thank him for regarding my bathroom shelf with the patience of waiting (instead of the impulsivity of not) and give him a B-.

But, since it is highly unlikely that he is thinking about the deftness with which two layers of dried paint must be separated, let's just give this guy a B+, OK?  Remember, he merely had to pee!

So there you go...that's one of my tests.  If you want to earn a good score, you now know what you have to do!  :)