Friday, April 02, 2010

This Girl Who Stumbles

I sin rather frequently, and I hate this about myself.

I stumble and fall over the same things, time and time again, like a girl tripping over furniture in a dark house that is not her own.

Why do I do this?  Why can I not rise above the challenges God places before me, the ones He's been asking me to learn for the last decade?  How can I be such a slow learner?  Who but God can demonstrate such patience with me?

In my weakness, I have learned that I cannot rely on myself.  I am not reliable.  Only when I rely on God am I capable of overcoming these obstacles.  And, even when I have little successes, I must not at all praise any part of myself, lest I be filled with even the tiniest bit of pride which could begin the separation of myself from my Beloved.

When the separation begins--no matter how small--it is only a matter of time before I stumble.  I am like an insistent toddler who lets go of her Father's hand, only to wobble and fall two seconds after she does so.

Or, I'm like the young girl who insisted that the training wheels come off her bike, only to crash and fall once they do.

But, each time He reaches down to pick me up, my Father seems more and more happy to rescue me.  How could this be so?  Doesn't He get tired of my selfish attempts at independence?

I wish that my heart were clean from sin on this fateful day where we remember Jesus' suffering and death on the cross.  I wanted to love Him with a pure heart today, but instead my heart is blackened with my own selfishness.

At least my sins make me utterly dependent on Him who saved me (and continues to save me).  I would never want to be without that dependence, reliance, and need.  Being without it would merely put me back at the place that I started, which is to make me prone to my own sins again.

How lucky I am to be a daughter of God.  Perhaps I am His most annoying daughter, for I trouble Him all the time with my desires, and I am sure that I worry His heart sick!   May we all realize our dependence on Our Heavenly Father,  this Good Friday and always.