Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Being a Gingerbread Girl

This is so embarrassing to admit, but my little heart (which has always given it's all by loving completely, healing quickly, and staying optimistic) is feeling a little...deflated. :-(

I shall never be bitter because I am always sustained by God's unending love, but I am sad to realize that I have become the metaphorical Gingerbread Girl, which--if you need me to explain it--is to say that I feel like I'm running with a "Catch me if you can!" attitude while avoiding boys' calls and wiping back tears.

I have found happiness in God, my family, my friends, and myself...and I know that that is plenty and certainly enough happiness for one girl, but I notice that I have not yet found that happiness in a MAN. And I want so desperately to have a husband and a beautiful family. But what if it is not God's will for my life? Oh, I could seriously cry a river if I knew that for sure! But whatever is God's will is what I want for my life because He knows how I will be happiest!

If I desire to have a wonderful man as my husband some day, then why have I been so determined NOT to meet anyone new in the last year or so? Sure, I still have that little impulse that wants to gather up my girl friends and go out dancing in the hopes of meeting a nice guy, but that NEVER happens because (1) all my girl friends have boyfriends or husbands, (2) they don't like dancing, or (3) I subsequently begin to think, "Why bother?" and "Is the kind of guy I really want to meet going to be at that location anyhow?" It feels all so futile.

I try to tell myself that it's OK to just want to be single because that is how I feel safest right now. But I'm still not entirely convinced that this is the right attitude to have.

I want to be pursued authentically and love immensely in return, but it just isn't happening. So I will just keep running like a good Gingerbread Girl should. Hopefully one day someone will catch me, and if not, well...then this will be a cookie that doesn't have to be shared.