Thursday, July 24, 2008

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I feel angry, confused, sad, and so bombarded with an array of feelings that I don't know how to handle. I'm discovering that my heart is way more complex than I ever thought it could be, and my world is getting more confusing with each passing day as everything unfolds. It makes me retreat within myself, and that is why--though I can vent in this blog--I won't breathe a word to anyone about what I'm actually dealing with. I just can't. You would be too surprised.

I hate to be dramatic and shroud this in mystery. It's not my way. I'd prefer to be completely transparent, if I could. I am a simple, ordinary girl and so when life gives me things that are nothing but simple or ordinary to figure out, my indecisiveness flares up like a malignant boil and sometimes I freeze and can do nothing but cry.

I know this life shouldn't be one where you sit around and wait for your future to fall squarely on your lap, but I cannot tell if this life should be one where you go with gusto and fight for what you want without regard to the feelings of the others in the race with you. Does everybody else know that life is really Darwin's "survival of the fittest" and I am only figuring it out now?

I have no idea if I should burst with energy and claim what I wish for in this life... or if I should temper my emotions and be the polished, even-keeled girl with the smile that everyone can count on.

My feelings are tangled up inside me like a pretzel and it's going to take me a while to sort this out. After the events of today, the only thing I know for sure is that my smile is upside down. :-(