Friday, December 05, 2008

Poof...and She's Gone


Tonight I am seriously considering turning an aspect of my personality OFF.

It is part of my personhood, part of my life...and yet this aspect of me is so precious to me, so dear...and so unable to find its home here on this planet.

I am always an optimist, always a lover, always the one with the smile or an encouraging word for everyone else's benefit. And I promise you that I shall never stop being true to who I am. That is precisely who I am.

But I do think I am ready for my quiet. I am ready to silence my lips. Not because I have given up, but because sometimes the truth is just simple silence that can only be lived. Be still and know that I AM, God tells us. I am ready to be stationary.

So often I have fallen into the role of being a love coach. Or the go-to girl for spirit-lifting. And while it is not exhausting at all for me to offer encouragement, share hope, or promise a prayer, it hurts when no one is doing the same for you....or at least not in the way that I need it.

I am hurt most deeply by others when they cease to believe in themselves. When they let go of their dreams, not as a posture of receptivity to God's will, but with futile dejection. When they let go of ideals because they give up on themselves, their placement in this world, and what God is capable of doing for them.

This is what absolutely drives a knife into my heart. I cannot conceive of a deeper wound that I could ever experience. Truly. A little part of me dies every time someone gives up on hope.

I feel like I need to go away for a little while. I want to go to a safe little place where my heart can beat happily without having to over-compensate for pumping the blood of someone else.

Pray for me, please. And that we may have hope always.