I seriously worry that life might pass me by without me realizing it. In the blink of an eye, I could be 60, alone, and without children, the better part of my life past, with only a continued sequence of random little memories, which might be all my life will ever amount to.My faith gives me incredible hope, but it's the kind of hope that only gullible people like myself can hold. It's the huge kind of hope, the kind that makes you always think there's something better, but also the kind that makes you not live in the present. It's the kind that made me say good-bye last night to a wonderful guy simply because he's a bit different from me in matters of faith and simply because I'm hoping, beyond hope, that I will find a devout Catholic man.
On Facebook, I see so many of my friends already with large families. Happy or not, these people have lived...and now they have each other. They are well into a phase of their lives which I am not even near beginning. In terms of probability, it's not looking good for me. With each passing day beyond 30, it's more and more likely that I won't have children or get married. And with my focus now narrowing in on only strong Catholics, the odds are greatly stacked against me.
All my life, in an effort to keep my emotional and physical slate clean for the prospects of a beautiful tomorrow, I have let nobody leave a mark. Sure, the edges of my slate might get a little worn with use, but the center is clean...and empty.
Will I reach the end of my life, suddenly realizing that I'm the only one who never really made a mark? Everyone else will have beautiful pictures drawn on their boards, showing a life of excitement, most likely a mix of great happiness with strong pains. But at least they have experienced something. They have lived life. They have given love and made love and borne children. Even if sometimes messy or not in the right order, they have done it and lived it. They were real human beings.
I, on the other hand, live a life on hold.
Sure, I go to work and go out with friends. I kiss guys, love with my heart, and have let my heart get broken. Yeah, I savor little memories here and there, as people come in and go out of my life. But that's about it. Mostly, I'm just waiting. I'm waiting for a life to begin that maybe never will.
