I’ve resolved myself to the possibility that I may never marry.The reason why I say it is because I know that I have gone my whole life and no one has truly seen my heart.
It is always there, beating bright and happy before them, but no man has really been able to see it. I know this because I don’t see the light of my love reflecting in his eyes.
I have not found myself in anyone else, either. I search for those eyes that will look back and recognize me on a fundamental level, but in 30 years, I have never seen it. I go on only a hunch that such a thing even exists.
I have not experienced 100% acceptance, at least not from the men I have dated. I changed my outlook a few years ago and now believe that these kind of romantic relationships are—by nature—meant to be conditional. But even the conditional love I am seeking fails to come into my focus.
There are an array of good men in my life, and yet God, to Whom I have given my heart, will not permit me to find interest in them. It is a lonely, singular place to be.
Instead, my interest sparks in those who do not really love me. And so, down a torturous path I go, familiar with the way the tread marks lay. I put on my suit of armor and play a fictional game of amour, for this is what I am used to.
I make myself strong and resilient by convincing myself that I don't care. My exterior is an oily slick that slips me away from anyone who tries to attach himself to me.
I do this fakeness to compensate for the stuff coming from my heart, which is always and exceedingly REAL. My love makes me pray for his virtue, his chastity, his faith, his health, his happiness. I think about loving him even on a cellular level, my mind constantly valuing life at its beginning, knowing that each of us holds the power to bring precious, new life into the world.
But of course, those are the things for other people, it seems. Marriage and family life keep escaping my grasp, and why wouldn’t it? Love always holds a finger over my mouth and tells me to hush, that the waiting is not yet over and may never be.
