I think I've turned into one of those "older" girls who cries whenever she sees a picture of a baby.I don't do it when anyone's around.
But when it's just me and I see a picture of a newborn on Facebook (even if it's a friend of a friend and nobody that I know directly), I look at every single photo -- and cry as I go.
What is wrong with me?
I've always been touched when I've seen babies in the past, and sometimes I have to hold back little joyful tears. They hit a very soft place on my heart.
But lately I do this extra-hard sobbing thing whenever I see one when I'm by myself. It hurts so much yet feels so real when it happens.
I see the little family that goes in and out of the house across the street from mine, and my heart aches for that life.
I see my dove sitting on her eggs, and she is the most beautiful when she is doing this. I honestly swear that she does indeed look different and she absolutely looks happier than she does when she's without eggs. Her whole being glows with the happiness of doing that which she was made for.
But what was I made for?
In church, when I hear an infant crying, it fills my heart with this tremendous, unexplainable love. I love when I hear it because I love the feelings that well up from within me. I feel sorry that the little child is discontent, but I treasure the desire that I feel at those moments to care for it. It takes all my effort to stay put in my pew and remember that that baby isn't mine.
When I was younger, I used to not hold infants for too long. Sure, I was fearful of dropping them, but mostly I knew that my presence was coming between the little one and his mother.
So, I would hold the infant temporarily, loving every second of it, but then I would promptly return him to his mother, figuring I ought not to get in their way anyhow, and I ought to wait patiently for my turn one day.But what if my turn never comes?
What if those isolated moments of infant-holding are all the joy I'll ever get from that motherly place in my heart?
