I'm such a hesitant girl right now.And I'm soooo out-of-practice with the whole having-a-boyfriend thing.
How does it all work? I've just about forgotten. How do you get to know someone you don't?
I'm pretty sure a big component of most relationships is The Daily Phone Call. But I'm so out-of-practice with that routine that I forget how it goes.
I'm so completely out of the habit of ever doing such an activity, that when a man calls me up "just to talk," I'm confused. What am I supposed to do? What are we supposed to talk about? Are we supposed to do this again tomorrow night?
It's not like I have anyone to practice on, so I guess it doesn't really matter right now.
But, in the the last few quasi-relationships I've had, I've been a horrible quasi-girlfriend. I don't call, and--the reason for the aforementioned--I'm too scared to flip my heart-switch to the "on" position. I'm soooo used to being this single, lonely girl that I'm not sure how to go about not being so.
This is probably making me even less marketable, and I realize that. And let's hope my inadequacies catch you by surprise, since generally I tend to be a rather social person and conversation comes easily to me.
Perhaps I wish my mind didn't have such a grip on my heart. It's not letting my heart engage, and so my heart becomes this semi-dormant organ within me that combats the boredom by only pumping around my blood. Everything else that a heart is supposed to metaphorically do, mine does not.
I planned it this way--with my 3-year Marian promise--so I guess I shouldn't be so bummed about it all. It just doesn't feel very nice.
In my efforts to be emotionally "tidy," I feel like I'm missing out on some of the fundamental things that make us human. Intellectually, I long for that which is not intellectual at all: passionate romance and the beautiful mess it can sometimes bring into people's lives. But spiritually and emotionally, I'm hesitant. My little toes are are barely touching the line, not yet ready to take a step in that direction.This, however, is not the reason for my present singularity. Instead, this is precisely the effect of BEING single. It is the result of systematically learned, practiced behavior. If a habit takes 22 days to form, consider the fact that I've been trying to maintain this lifestyle for nearly 1,000. It's enough to drive a girl mad. :-(
What were my motivations for promising to Our Lady that I'd spend 3 years alone? I'm sure they weren't good ones. In fact, I know so. I did it because I was desperate to please God only so that He might deem me worthy to meet Mr. Right all the more sooner. How lame of me. How manipulative. I am embarrassed.
But God does bring good things out of the bad, and I will say that--in these 2.5 years--I've definitely grown closer to Him. I've definitely gotten more used to thinking of Him and speaking of Him as the True Presence that He is in my life.
He's just as real to me as my parents and friends are. And He feels like my Housemate, the quiet Guy who lives in my Prayer Room. I love that my Marian promise does not limit me from the ability to date or make new friends, but having my heart wrapped up in Him does make loving another (in a romantic sense) a bit more difficult (at least during this time, where I am 9 months away from completing my 3-year promise).
When I meet a new guy, it's like I immediately want to know if God can fit into it. Single moms probably feel similarly with their kids. Can Little Johnny fit into this relationship with me?
But, in my case, what guy can compete with GOD?
A good man will realize that indeed he can't--and an even better one will know that he doesn't even need to. He'll realize that my devotion to God is actually the beginnings of a very strong devotion to him!
So I guess I'm just gonna keep my eyes on Jesus and hope that He brings a wonderful man into my view, without me ever having to avert my eyes.
And hopefully by then I'll remember the dutiful roles of being a good girlfriend. :-)
