Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Real Feelings & Fake Food

Most girls do something with food when they're sad.

A good number of us stop eating. Depression can suppress appetite, and so many of us take our sadness as an opportunity to slim down without having to lift a finger.

But many other girls will pig out in times of great sadness. They'll curl up on the couch with a tub of Brier's and a box of Kleenex. Chocolate usually becomes a vital ingredient. If you're not having happiness elsewhere, why not at least enjoy it in your mouth?

But I, on the other hand, am a different type of girl altogether. Yes, I turn to food when I am sad, but not the real kind. I go for the 100% fake sort.

So today I did a little fake food grocery shopping. I am fortunate to live only 20 minutes away from a place that has four long aisles of fake groceries. It is like heaven on earth! The appetite I develop while walking down those aisles is indescribable because it doesn't quite come from my stomach, you see. It comes from somewhere else. I think it might be from my metaphorical heart. There is a warm, fuzzy feeling one gets when one sees happy-looking food.

The fake food at this grocer is exceedingly inexpensive and yet made of superior quality. This isn't the stuff you had in your pre-school play kitchen. No, no, no! In 25 years, the technology has greatly improved and the pieces are of a much higher caliber.

I've been known to inadvertently fool my friends with my collection. Once, when my friend Shawn was relaxing on my couch, he suddenly requested a slice of toast. Puzzled, I went to the 'fridge, grabbed a slice, toasted it, and brought it to him with butter. He bit in but looked confused and disappointed. Finally, with his last unsatisfying bite entering his mouth, he questioned, "Was that the same bread that you had sitting out on your stove?"

The poor guy had been authentically doped by the golden rubber loaf I had sitting in a pan. I felt horrible! But it does make for a great story to tell! :-)

So tonight I bought the following groceries:

1. quarter loaf of bread (already sliced) - $3.42

2. one cup of fresh blueberries - $0.89

3. three small branches of fresh broccoli - $2.49

4. six fancy, bite-sized chocolates - $3.00

5. small bag of mixed crackers - $2.99

When I got home, I realized that although my groceries didn't solve the problems of my sore lil' heart, they at least would give me happiness longer than real food could last. :-)