Thursday, September 04, 2014

Getting Back to Balance

So I'm back...and hopefully permanently. 

I reluctantly gave up on blogging several months ago.  I noticed that I lost my stamina here, not for any reason other than being the mother of an active toddler and the wife of a full-time, hardworking, long-commuting professional-and-student all-in-one type of man.

In his spare time, my husband does things like homework, studying for tests, vehicle maintenance, lawn-mowing, leaf-raking, bill-paying, and his own laundry.  He can't sit down because he doesn't have time.  I can't remember the last time he turned on the TV.  Truly, he's an incredible husband, father, and provider -- and his plate is FULL.

So for 92% of the day (yes, I calculated it), I am on kid-duty and alone in doing so, valuing every second of it but realizing this meant there was no time for me to pursue any hobbies or personal interests, let alone quiet moments of solitude and reflection, even in the shower.  I said good-bye to my photography business a year ago in September 2013, gradually let go of writing this past Spring, and began seeing my friends less and less frequently, until I unfortunately lost several in the process.

Sacrifices are great and motherhood is utterly amazing, but neither should take away from personhood, and I believe that writing and reflecting and connecting with others is part of what makes me who I am.  Without these, I become wholly unbalanced, irritable, and frustrated.

Unbalance leads to unrest, and I feel like I've had both in epic proportions without letting on much.  But I spilled some in his direction this weekend, and I was finally heard.  I think he could see that I was about to lose it if someone didn't rescue me.

With our precious baby #2 arriving in just 5 months and with the nausea and exhaustion finally over, Michael realized that my chance to get out and enjoy some independence was now or never.

And so, at least for the present, Thursday nights are my night to GET OUT.  I leave the house with kitchen sink full of dishes, a toddler with sticky hands and a full diaper, and a husband who hasn't had a chance to get out of his work clothes yet.

Tonight I stayed 45 minutes longer than we agreed on, mostly because I wanted to help clean up after dinner, put some toys away, listen to the details of his day, and contribute to the conversation of the insurmountable task we have at hoping to find a suitable home closer to work.

But eventually, I left.  I walked out the door and breathed in the fresh September air and made a short journey to a bookstore, dreaming of the pumpkin spice latte that I wouldn't order because I am pregnant.  And, once there, I unfolded my laptop, settled in, and started to remember who I am.

I am a woman who needs to write about her son's adventures, a photographer who wants to share her favorite pictures of his smile, and girl who still can't believe that God has blessed me with the husband that I have.

See you next Thursday night...after I grab a coffee an ice water with a friend.  :)

Our boy turned 2!  I can't wait to tell you all about it next week.  :)